I have never been a fan of being in a social group or events. I have done it for the sake of it, but it has never been my thing. But for the last few years, this behaviour became more and more serious. I started to avoid social gatherings, and even family events. I started to feel anxious when I had to go out in a group, and I started to feel happy when I was alone. I became more sensitive. Everything hurt, especially all the people that surrounded me. Isolating myself was the only way I could feel peace. And honestly, it doesn’t bother me much. I like my own company. But lately, I have started to feel that while it doesn’t matter most of the days, it does matter sometimes. Not being there for people when they need you is a tough pill to swallow.
I think the last social event I attended was Kirti’s engagement in March 2025. Back in 2023, I had gone to a few family events without much hesitation. But starting from the later half of 2023, it stopped. I started making excuses or would just not show up. The first thing that I can remember is Vishal bhaiya’s wedding. I skipped it for some reason even though he meant a lot to me. Then a couple more events followed. But then for Kirti’s engagement I somehow convinced myself to go. While I enjoyed it for the most part, I felt a little awkward at times. Maybe because there were no mutual friends present. But I was not in touch with any college friends either so how would I have mutual friends with her? There were a couple of familiar faces but it just didn’t click. Socialising has never been my strong suit. But just being there for a friend, helping in whatever way I could felt good. But then again, I started avoiding further new events. I was invited to Yash’s cousin’s wedding. And not just once but in two of them and I skipped both by giving excuses that I was out of town. All of this was fine and it didn’t bother me or made me feel guilty.
Today, I went to Kirti’s home in Muzaffarpur. Her wedding is on 12th Feb in Jim Corbett. I was one of the first people to get invited. Now, Kirti and I are very close. We became friends in college. She is one of the very few people who never gave up on me even though I pushed her away many times. I cannot even remember how many times we stopped talking to each other and then again reconnected. She helped me throughout college, tutoring me in subjects I was weak in, helping me with assignments and lab work. She understood how difficult I was and still chose to be friends with me. She is one of the most special people in my life. I was the first person she told about her relationship with Ashish. After her engagement, she told me about the wedding plans and how she wanted it to happen. I helped her pick the resort, the photographers and many other things. It was unsaid that I would be there for her wedding. But I was not sure. As much as I wanted to be there for her, I was anxious that it will make me awkward and I would not be able to enjoy it. The venue was so far that I could not just go and attend the wedding and come back the same day. And the event was supposed to be for 2 days. 2 days living in a resort with strangers and no familiar faces. I mean I know Kirti, but she is the bride and I cannot just be with her all the time. I could have just stayed in my room for 2 days but that would be weird. I didn’t know any of her friends that she invited. I knew a couple of them but not well enough to spend 2 days with them. When I told her this, she was infuriated. She didn’t believe that I was not coming to the wedding. But I constantly told her that I would not be able to enjoy it and she kept on saying that it’ll be fine. But I knew that it would not be fine. I would be alone and awkward and it would not be fun for me or her. Anyways, she understood after a lot of convincing. Then, she asked me to go to the bachelorette trip with her. It was her wish to go on a nice trip with her friends before she gets married. I was hesitant but I agreed. She invited me, Gauri (her best friend) and Aakarsh (Gauri’s partner). Again, I felt that this will be exhausting. I DON’T KNOW THEM. How am I supposed to stay and be on a trip with them? I again started making excuses and Kirti didn’t like it. I cancelled this trip as well. I thought she would stop being friends with me. But somehow, she understood again. She asked me to at least come visit a function at her hometown before the wedding. I couldn’t say no to this.
So yes, 7th Feb. I planned to go to Muzaffarpur. There was supposed to be some Puja at her house at 11AM. I left Patna around 9 and reached her home before time. I was a little nervous. I hadn’t met her family apart from the short time during her engagement. They all are very sweet though but I was still anxious. As I entered her home, the puja was already about to start so she quickly introduced me to her elder sister and a few other family members and then everyone sat down for the puja. In my entire life I have only sat down for the entire puja 3 times, including this one. I hate sitting for that long but it was the least I could do. Then once it was over, we went to have lunch. After lunch, we went to sit and chat. I gave her the gifts I got for her. It was a polaroid camera and sunglasses. She liked it and we took some pictures with it. She mentioned again about how I am not going to the wedding and also skipped the bachelorette trip. Even her sister said that who will take care of things now. I know it’s an exaggeration, but I felt bad. They were going out for some party and wanted me to join but I said that I have to leave for Patna. They insisted that I stay till 4-5PM but I just said no. At around 2:30PM, I left the place. My cousin Nikhil bhaiya and Suhani’s hometown is also Muzaffarpur so I went to meet them. Nikhil bhaiya joked that since I am arranging everyone else’s marriage, when will I arrange my own. Bua kept asking about my wedding plans. This is why I dislike going to family events. Stayed there for half an hour and then left for Patna.
All of this is fine. Why am I writing all this? Because I am feeling guilty. I feel bad that I won’t be there on her special day. What kind of friend does that make me? I know she’ll be busy and she won’t even notice my absence, but I feel bad. I feel like I should have been there. I should have at least tried to be there. I will regret this for a long time. It’s too late now anyways. I need to make better decisions in the future and not let my anxiety get the best of me. I need to be more present in the lives of the people that care about me. I must fix my issues. So many issues. So little time. This path is not straight. It’s full of twists and turns and errors and learnings. But at the end of the spiral is the peace and harmony we look towards - Unalome.
This year is rushing by. I don’t know when 8 days passed in February. But I guess that’s a good thing. It’s only sad if time passes slowly and we don’t have anything to do or if time passes so fast and we have so much to do. I guess it’s balanced for me right now. There’s nothing lined up for this month. I did see an ad that the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is being re-released in theatres on 27th Feb. If it releases here I will definitely go otherwise I will try to catch it in Bangalore. Office is also starting to get busy. I just looked at the time and it’s 2 AM. Ending this here and maybe this will be the last writing session for this month and even March. Toodles!
