“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
This is what the author of the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying recorded as the most common reflections of people near the end of their lives. She was a palliative care nurse who spent years listening to the stories of those who were dying. The book is a great read as it makes us think about our own life and the choices we have made. She notes down the five most common regrets as follows:
Top 5 regrets of the dying
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
So why does regret exist afterall? Is it because time is limited for us? It might feel like obvious at first. If we had infinite time then no choice would be permanent. You pick wrong, you try again. Whether its the relationship that got away or the career that you didn’t pursue or the city you didn’t move to. It would not matter if you could always go back and try again. You would get to all of it eventually. So is regret a product of scarcity? Yes and no. I feel regret doesn’t exist because “time” is limited. I think it exists because “moments” are limited. Because if you miss a moment then even if you could live foreever but that moment will never happen again. Pull on any thread of a regret long enough and you will end up reaching that specific moment. The regret you feel is your brain telling you that you missed something important.
Let’s take the first regret from the book as an example - “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” This regret doesn’t happen because we chose to do something in our life, or the mistakes we made, or the risks that we didn’t take. These people didn’t care about the expectations of people at the time of their death. They were tormented by the permission they never gave themselves.
Other reason why regret exists is because we remember. We remember these moments, the feeling, the result of our actions. And as long as we have that memory it will cause regret even if our time is unlimited. But regret is not just the product of something we have done. It can also arise from the things we haven’t done. These are the regrets of omission. Kierkegaard said this precisely talking about regret. That you’ll regret it if you get married and you’ll also regret it if you don’t get married. You’ll regret it if you have kids and you’ll regret not having kids as well. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too. Whatever you will choose, you will regret it. Because the problem is not in the choices. We will always find the ‘untraveled’ path fascinating and crave for it.
“I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations — one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it — you will regret both.” ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Kierkegaard’s idea of regret is interesting and it gives the “grass is always greener on the other side” vibe. He says that no matter what we choose and no matter the pros and cons we will always regret the choice at some point in our life. So a better idea is to not ask ourselves “Will i regret this?” but rather “Can i live with this regret?”. Christoper Hitches, one of my favourite idol and someone who greatly influenced my thinking as a child summarized this in a great way -
“In life, we must choose our regrets.”
The grass can be greener on the other side but it is only green where it’s watered! So live with your regrets and try to be happier in the path you have chosen!
Tom Riddle’s Diary of Regret
I created this diary where one can pour out their thoughts, regrets, or reflections onto the parchment below. Tom Riddle’s memory will listen and answer back in ink.
Saumya Di gave this ring for Rakshabandhan. This is my first ‘jewellery’. To be honest I was never a fan of wearing anything on my hands or neck but I am digging this one.
Also here’s a picture of baby Wile E. Coyote.
