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This is my nth attempt to start and maintain a blog, and I decided to start with you, Padfoot. Maybe because I am confused about where to start, or maybe because I need to close this chapter before I move on to other things. This particular post will have some extra effort because it is about you. There will be background music, animations and the main logo of the blog will change while reading this post. Although some of these things might only show/work on a laptop and not on phones/tablet. It has been almost two years now since we broke up, and a lot of things have happened with me, and I assume with you as well. I have no one to share this with, so I want to write it down. I think we forget things if we have no one to tell them to.
Content
Perilune
I still clearly remember the day I first talked to you. I was at home, which would explain why I was feeling gloomy. Somewhere around 3-4 PM, I hopped on Omegle - a website where strangers could talk to one another. I had used it a lot back in the day, but on 16th July 2019, it made me the happiest. I had put Coldplay in the interests, and I got connected to you. And that’s why I added a Coldplay song in the background of this blog post that will play at the start. I will later explain why this particular song, but for now, it’s just important to know that Coldplay reminds me of you. You asked me why I was feeling sad, and I explained it to you briefly, and you were so kind and supportive of me. I asked you if you wanted to stay in touch, and you said yes—as long as I stay real. I promised you that I would.
I added you on Facebook as I was not on Instagram at that time. You asked me to not judge you if I see something embarrassing on your profile. I said something cliche and philosophical and the conversation went like this:
S: Is there anything you can’t do?
A: Yes, exist xD
S: But you’re doing that very well
A: I don’t want it tho
S: At a certain point of time, it doesn’t matter what you want, you gotta live for others too
We talked for around 3 hours and on various topics. When we disconnected, I saved that chat because I knew it was something different - something I had not felt earlier and maybe one day I would want to go back and read it. Guess I was at least right about that. Here’s the link/preview to that entire conversation.
After this day, life was a little better. I found someone to talk to who had similar interests and was kind and beautiful and everything good that is in the world. I created an Instagram account where I started posting a little about astronomy. You liked it. Your exams were going on, but we used to talk a lot, sometimes even till 3-4 AM. Even though we both were introverted, somehow the conversation never used to stop. We would talk about anything and everything.
Later, we thought of watching movies and shows together and came across an app that had that functionality. We watched so many movies and TV series. We would listen to songs together, and it was just perfect. I promised you that I will come to visit you once I get a job. I told you about my favourite TV show—Breaking Bad—and you said you wanted to watch it together, and so we started it. But around Season 4, we stopped. While writing this, I am unable to recall why.
I do recall the first time when you acted strangely. You and I used to play PUBG together. But one day, when I asked if one of my college friends could join, you said okay. But when she joined and we started playing, you didn’t turn on your mic and left the game in the middle. I asked you multiple times, but you didn’t say anything, but I understood. But things got okay after a few days, and we were talking like usual again. I believe it was after this when you shared about your feelings, and me being me, I said something like I liked you but I have commitment issues. I told you not to wait for me. You said you would do it, and you did.
Another incident that comes to mind is the one where I made this Always Harry Potter lamp for you. But I couldn’t send it because it was electrical. I told you that I will give it to you in person. After a month or so, I went to meet one of my internet friends for the first time ever. When I came back and told you about it, you blamed me for a lot of things, including the fact that I made that lamp for her and not you. I showed the lamp at that very moment, and then you realized. Till this point and more to come, I have been confused, scared, and many things, but I have not liked anyone else apart from you. I don’t seek empathy for my traumas, but I cannot deny the fact that it is because of them that I ran from love because I knew it would destroy me. And eventually, it did.
Somewhere around this time, I think you met Jeh. You went on a trip. You asked me for help on his behalf, and I did my part without thinking much about it because I felt you were happy. It was around the COVID period. I was alone in Bangalore for 5-6 months with almost zero human interaction. This was the time when Kiki came into my life—I’ll save talking about her for another post. I missed you so much during this time, and I created a page dedicated to you. I would write a lot about you saying how I messed it up. I would hope that somehow you noticed my profile and would come back.
On your birthday in 2021, I changed my profile picture. It was a picture of what Hubble saw on that date. It was a cluster of galaxies all in yellow. It reminded me of you.
You noticed it and changed your alt account’s profile picture to the same. I got the courage that we can still make it work. Eventually, we started talking. You asked me to show you the account that I had created. After some back and forth, I decided to show it to you. You didn’t like it. You unfollowed, saying that it’s not right for me to write about you after you have moved on. I didn’t know what to say. I was hurting, but I realized that you were right. I didn’t commit to you, and now that you were happy with someone else, I should not have pursued you. We again stopped talking for months. It was like a cycle. We would be inseparable at times, and then we would become strangers for months. I started my job after that and got occupied with a lot of things. I think it was around the end of 2021 that we started talking again. This time it was a little better. You sent me a cake on my “fake” birthday.
We still didn’t commit anything to each other. You used to ask me to come to visit you in Bhubaneswar. I promised you that the next time I go to Patna, I will come and meet you. I guess the distance was a big factor. If you lived closer, it would have been much better. Anyways, the cycle started to repeat again, and in January 2022, we became strangers again. I couldn’t help but stalk you or Jeh’s profile, and it just seemed like you two were doing good. So, I stopped this time. I had a plan to go to Patna in April 2022, and I remembered that I promised to visit you, but it didn’t seem right. You were happy, so why would I want to ruin it? My Patna trip was planned in advance. I was going for 10-12 days, and my return tickets were also confirmed. But you texted when I was in Patna. And it struck me to ask you if I should come to Bhubaneswar. And when I did, you said yes. 
I immediately rescheduled my flight and took a layover flight via Bhubaneswar to Bangalore. I was so excited. For the first time before meeting someone new, I was not scared. I felt like I am going to meet someone who knows how weird and miserable I am but still puts effort into being with me. People who knew me were shocked because usually I wouldn’t do this for anyone. I cancel plans with my closest friends because I don’t like to socialize a lot. Going to another city to meet someone was very unlike me.
On 30th April, 2022, I saw you for the first time. You were wearing a green dress and somehow your eyes looked green too. You had your lab coat in your hands and you were wearing a mask. In that moment, I realized that you were my yellow. You were all the things I pictured you as. Kind, beautiful, smart and everything. We went to a cafe nearby and talked for some time. While this was a nearly perfect day for me, there was something that was bothering me. All the time when you were with me, you had your phone in hand and were continuously texting. I didn’t ask you at that point but when later I did, you said you were giving updates to Jeh whether you’re safe or not. I don’t want to explain how that made me feel but I guess it is fine now.
For months, nothing happened. I guess we stopped talking again. Why were we even trying? Then, in July 2022, an unexpected event happened, and I had to go to Patna again. I reached out to you then to share it with you. You were supportive and kind. I stayed in Patna for 2-3 months—probably the longest since I left for Bangalore. In October 2022, I went on a trip along with my friends to Dehradun, Mussoorie, and Agra. It was a great trip. While the incident was too tragic to forget, it did help us to refresh our minds. I left for Bangalore in November, and things with you were starting to look great. You mentioned things didn’t work out with Jeh. Your exams were coming, so we would stay on video call while you studied. I also took control of my life and started to look after myself. It was Diwali when we both were away from home, but we were talking on video chat.
March, 2023. We decided to meet again and this time you planned to come to Bangalore. I was again very excited. And a little scared this time. I didn’t know if you’ll like staying with me. Anyways, I decided that I want to do this. You came to Bangalore on 21st April, 2023. I was waiting for you at the airport. Around 9PM, I saw you again for the second time in my life. You looked so pretty. We hugged and took a cab back to my flat. I notice the tattoo on your arm. You never mentioned it to me that you got it. 
After we came back home, we had dinner. We started talking and you asked me to open up about my childhood. In these 4 years, I never told you anything about it as it is very personal to me. I showed you the blog that I used to write at that time and you read it and hugged me again.
I had planned to take you to all my favourite places in Bangalore. The next day, I took you to Ikea in the morning. We did some shopping and had lunch there. We came back, rested for a bit, and in the evening went to Byg Brewsky. You loved the place. You told me to talk to my parents about us. I told you it’s not required and I don’t need any permission. We had a lovely time and came back home. The next day, I requested you to draw something for me, and you said yes. We went to the supermarket to get the painting items, and then you started drawing on the couch. I just looked in awe. I remember admiring your hair and the way you were painting.
In the evening, we went to Church Street. It was crowded but fun. We went to Third Wave Cafe first. You had Caramel Frappe. Later we went to Blossoms, one of my favourite places. We looked through the store and you bought some books. This was the last day of your trip. While going back home, you started crying a little. I got worried and didn’t know what to do. I asked you many times but you didn’t tell anything. When we reached home, you went in the room crying. I was scared if I had done something wrong. You came back after 30 minutes while I was on the couch and told me what you were feeling. All I have to say for it now is that I am sorry. I wish I knew how to be a good boyfriend. Anyways, it was a rainy night and things got better after we talked.
Next morning, you woke up early and I saw you finishing the painting. I was still in bed. We had some breakfast and then you started packing. Later in the afternoon, we left for the airport. Your flight was supposed to depart at 6-7PM so we reached around 4PM. But when we reached, there was a notification that your flight was delayed to 9PM. You couldn’t take that flight because your warden in the hostel would not let you in so late. Later we decided to take the flight at 4AM next day. But my flat was very far from the airport. Just going back and coming again didn’t make any sense. So we decided to spend the time at the airport. We walked around, had coffee and talked a lot. I remember a funny conversation where we were talking about the human body and death and I said something like we can’t even kill ourselves with our own hands because if we choke our neck we will just become unconcious after some time which means that the human body never wants to die and its basic instinct is to keep fighting for survival and you said that you loved that. At 3AM, we said our goodbyes and hugged for one last time before you went inside the airport. I took a cab and went back home. I don’t even know how to explain what I was feeling on my way back. Like I had left something behind. Something that made me complete for the past 4 years and especially for the last 3 days.
Apolune
You went back, and everything was fine with our relationship, apart from the challenges of not seeing each other regularly, of course. In May, something happened again with my family, and I had to urgently go back home. I stayed there for a month or so, and when things became better, I decided to go back to Bangalore again. I asked you if I should come visit you for your birthday, to which you said no as you didn’t want to spend just a day or two. I had some work in Delhi, and one of my oldest internet friends was also there at that time, so I planned a trip to Delhi before going to Bangalore. In Delhi, I went for some shopping and saw these beautiful t-shirts and an action figure of a sunflower and anime that you used to love, so I got them for your birthday.
But things started to escalate and go downhill when I came back to Bangalore. You started becoming distant. I was not sure. I asked you a couple of times, and you said you didn’t want to tell. I thought if I act a little clingy you might tell, so I called you and told that I won’t put down the phone unless you tell me. To which you said…
Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you.
…and you disconnected the call. I told you I will give you space and you can tell me whenever you feel comfortable. You said:
If I tell you now, it is just going to hurt you.
For days I didn’t know what I had done wrong. I waited for your text/call. After a week you texted saying that you’re better now but I shouldn’t ask you about what happened. I accepted that. Your exams were about to begin and I thought that I should send you flowers to cheer you up.
But when I sent it, you got all mad at me. You said that I should’ve asked you and that you don’t live alone. I felt things are starting to fall. There were a lot of other hints as well. You said you didn’t want to say that you loved me for the sake of it. You said our relationship was a joke. At that time I didn’t know what it meant but now I can safely say that you had given up on me. I decided to send the package I had created for your birthday anyways. You said that you loved it and sent me a few videos trying out the tshirts that I had sent.
Few days after that, we stopped talking.
You were active on social media and your number used to be busy but we didn’t talk after that. I was devastated, struggling to live alone in Bangalore - the very place I used to love. It started to catch up on me when I decided to go to Patna. Not because I had any emergency but because I wanted to leave Bangalore. I had never thought that I would want to go to Patna on my own. I went in October and travelled a bit to some new places. I thought travelling might help in getting you out of my mind. But it didn’t. After Dusshera, I went to Bangalore again because of office and thought maybe getting occupied with work will make things better. But again, it didn’t. Just a few days later, I had to go back to Patna again but this time due to an emergency. I was getting tired of this. You remember how we had that cycle of talking and not talking again and again. This was something like that. Anyways, I spent a month again and before Christmas I went back to Bangalore. And this time I decided that no matter what happens, I won’t go back. 2 months passed and loneliness again started to creep in. There were days when I wouldn’t even have any person to talk to. So, in February 2024, I asked for help and decided to leave Bangalore once and for all. I got permission from my company for transfer and I decided to move back in March after my birthday.
For my birthday, I had no friends there so I just booked a solo trip to Pondicherry. I went there for 3-4 days and it was nice. I used to sit near the beach and just stare at the end for hours. Met some nice people there and talked to them. After coming back from Pondicherry, I moved back to Patna but didn’t vacate the flat in Bangalore. I thought that I will come back again because I had a lot of memories with that flat and place.
Months went by. You had deactivated your main account on Instagram, but your side profile was active. You changed the name from moonysverse, and the bio suggested that you were with someone. Later, when you changed your profile picture where you were holding hands with someone, I just gave up and decided to move on. Now, I know that I already asked you about it and you said it is a random picture, but I don’t think that it is. If it was, I would have found it on the internet somewhere—after all, that is what I do for a living. I thought of asking you to show that image on Pinterest, then I would believe you, but then I thought it’s not right and didn’t ask.
In June 2024, you emailed me after a year. It was a surprise and I wasn’t expecting it. If I am not wrong this is the same time when your “best friend” left for UK. You asked for an apology but I was not mad at you. What should I have forgiven you for? You left me because I was a shitty boyfriend or maybe because you liked someone else. I will never know the truth and even if I did it will still not matter. What matters is that it was over and there was nothing we could do about it.
In August 2024, I went to Bangalore to vacate the flat because I had no plans to go there anytime soon. That trip was fun as I reconnected with my two good friends there. After coming back, I started renovating my flat and again did some trips. In September 2024, you joined back on Instagram. You were added to my profile. For a few days, it didn’t bother me. But later, I couldn’t handle it and removed you from my profile. I wish I had not done that. It was wrong of me, but I was not strong enough.
I drew this on my tablet. It’s a picture from when you came to Bangalore and was painting.
I was on a trip to Varanasi, Lucknow and Ayodhya in December 2024. For some reason, I had become a little spiritual. Maybe it was one of the final stages of grief where we tend to look for a higher power to explain why things went wrong for us. You emailed me during that trip saying that you miss me. You asked me if we can meet and if I can give you another chance. I said that I can’t because I don’t want to go through this again.
I wasn’t planning to write so much but we are almost at the end. I just want to have one more section.
Voyager
This section won’t have any timelines or specifics. I will just write things that are coming in my head while writing and a few things I wanted to tell you but never did.
Let’s start with Coldplay. After all, it was the reason how we first met. Almost all of their songs remind me of you. I wasn’t going to go in their concert but later I realized that missing it would be silly. And to be honest, it was one of the best experiences of my life. I wish that I could’ve shared it with you. For the 2 hours that they played, I couldn’t keep you out of my head. I wanted to put the entire Ghost Stories album in this post but it would’ve caused performance issues so I just kept one song - Always in My Head. I play it a lot. It reminds me of you and how I fell in love with you. The next song of the album Magic reminds me how we connected on that level - even before meeting you in person. Ink reminds me of when I met you for the first time and when you came to meet me. When I asked you why you don’t say that you love me anymore and you said that you don’t want to say it for the sake of it - that reminds me of the song True Love. Then comes Midnight, when we stopped talking. Another’s Arms is self explanatory. Oceans being the waiting time after the breakup. And I see A Sky Full of Stars and O as the next phase of life where I shall move on. Again, thank you Coldplay and Omegle for introducing me to one of the sweetest girl ever. The above song must have stopped by now so you can play this one.
We talked a few days ago. It was nice. For a moment, I felt that I had gone back in time, waiting for texts, getting happy when your notifications popped up on my screen. You asked me how to not feel bad about yourself and how to get out of this loop that you’re stuck in. I advised you to start dating. You said you don’t want to be with anyone else. At this moment, a tiny part of me wanted to get back with you together. But I didn’t want to hurry. I wanted to know what you have been up to in these last two years. And I asked you about the hand-holding picture, even though I had known it for a long time. You say that it is a random picture related to some guy. I’ve already explained earlier why I don’t think it is a random picture, but I wanted to know more. So I said the name of the guy, even though you had never mentioned him to me. You said you wanted to share something and whether it will be too much for me. I wanted to know. And you told me your story. It was heartbreaking. No matter what words you use, like “not with someone” or “emotional baggage”, the thing is, you had moved on. The moment you mentioned that there was a guy, it is not a point of debate. Just because he turned out to be bad doesn’t mean you didn’t try to be with someone. I’m sorry if it seems harsh to you, but that is how I feel. Not because you met someone after breaking up with me, but because you abandoned me for someone else. The value of fixing is always greater than replacing. But there’s a limit to it. You can’t fix something after it has become un-fixable. You asked me multiple times that day if I have completely moved on from you. I wasn’t sure that day. I was still processing what you had told me. But now that I have given it some thought, I don’t think I’ll be able to love you the way I did before. It will be just a desperate attempt from both of us to get together so that we don’t feel lonely. And your story kind of helped me. I don’t think it will be fair for both of us.
Just writing these lines is getting difficult for me. I don’t remember a time when you were not in my life. But I need to let you go now. Otherwise, I will never move on. The next time if you text me, I will just send you this link. There has never been a time when you had texted/called, and I didn’t respond back, even if we were mad at each other. Please forgive me for all the bad things that happened to you because of me. Please forgive me if I wasn’t the person you thought I was. I miss you, and I see you in everything. Maybe in another universe, I am not this version of myself who ruins everything.
I took the analogy of Voyager because its story makes me have faith. It was supposed to end its journey in 5 years after observing Jupiter and Saturn. But it didn’t stop. Just when it was near Saturn, it turned itself back to take one last look at the place where it came from. Where it was safe and loved. It was later termed as the Pale Blue Dot. This post will be like my Pale Blue Dot. I will come back to it whenever I miss you, my home. But Voyager then turned forward and slipped into the unknown, away from its solar system family. Voyager reminds me that sometimes the light stays behind us, and we still have to go. Not because we’re ready— but because staying would mean stopping entirely. Thank you for being with me and making my life better for whatever time we had.
To the moon and never back.
