Will it get better?
This is what one of my childhood friends recently asked me following a breakup of his long-term relationship. In that moment, I simply replied “Yes,” but that question has been on my mind ever since. I have been meaning to write about it, but the last few days have been quite busy. And the next few days will also be the same, but I’ll try to wrap it up.
It was a few days back when I was at home working and my phone rang. It was my friend calling. I wouldn’t have answered the call if it was anyone else, but I answered it because it was him. He is preparing for a government exam and is working very hard to achieve that goal, so he rarely calls. We hardly connect these days, so whenever he calls, I try to answer it even when I am busy. He had cleared the prelims round this year but failed in the Mains exam. So I was not expecting to hear from him, as we had just come back from a vacation and I assumed that he was back to his serious studies for his attempt next year.
I answered and we started talking a bit about how everything had been. He told me about his breakup and how he was ready to leave the preparation to get a job immediately (something that was being asked by his partner). He mentioned that he also went to Mumbai to sort this out with his girlfriend. Knowing him for more than a decade, I’m aware of his financial conditions, so the next few things he told me were not much of a surprise. His friends booked his ticket to Mumbai so he could go and meet her and talk about it. He mentioned how he walked 25 km a day just to meet her, how he ate nothing but one snack so he could take her to some café once she was free from work. All of this just to be with her.
It was a seven-year relationship, so naturally one would not want to let it go. And I’m not saying that it was the girl’s fault either. I don’t know her story after all. If I have to look from her perspective, she might be thinking that her relationship’s future is very uncertain. There is no telling when he will clear the exam, get a job, and be financially independent. It might seem like a cheap thing, but in the real world, it matters. She was also supporting him financially in his preparation. Maybe this uncertainty was the reason she decided to move forward. And I can’t blame her for this.
Meanwhile, my friend wanted to pursue this government job. But when she asked for a break, giving the same reasons of uncertainty, he didn’t think once. He said he would leave the exam and get a job. He is a very intelligent person who has graduated from the topmost law university in the country. He could easily get a good-paying job whenever he wants. But when he said this, she didn’t agree to it and decided to end the relationship anyway. For this, I can judge her, but it doesn’t really matter to me.
While saying all this, he started crying. He has been kind of emotional since the beginning, so I was not surprised. Then his rant started. He started saying all sorts of things—how much he loved her, how much he hated her, how much he had given for the relationship, why this was happening to him, and many more things. I am not very good in these situations, so I just preferred to listen at first. When he paused, I started to console him and asked him to stop crying (I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE IS CRYING). I asked him if there was nothing left in the relationship, and he said no. She had removed him from everywhere and didn’t want him to contact her.
He then started ranting again about how he begged her to try again. I told him that he must be strong in order to move on. But it was clear that he was confused. I gave him some more suggestions and motivation about how he should not let this affect him because he still has a career to make and a family to support. He mentioned how she was supporting him financially, and now it’s like the floor has been snatched from under his feet, and he is not sure how to move forward. I also told him that I would be there for him and that I would support him in any way I could.
Once he was done crying, he asked me how I handled my breakup. I explained shortly the things I had done. He then asked how long it would take and whether it would get better.
Now, I won’t write about his story, but I will write about what I think the answer to his question should be. I think it will get better. I think it does get better. But that journey is not easy. In fact, this journey makes us question our worth, our value, and our purpose. It makes us question if we are good enough. When we place all the meaning of our world in one person, their leaving takes the meaning with it.
There are only a few choices that we can make. We can build our entire world around a person, but it comes with a cost. The best-case scenario is that you and the other person end up being happy and content with each other. But that rarely happens. In most cases, people build this world but are not happy with it, and then they want to leave. And there is nothing wrong in it. No one owes anyone to make them happy. If we’re suffering in a relationship, then the best thing to do is to let go.
The person who is leaving is not the one who is wrong. It’s not that simple. It’s not that easy either. But going back to the original question—this departure might hit like a truck in the beginning, but it doesn’t stay that way forever. We slowly mature with time and realize that it didn’t work out for a reason. We start to live again and find meaning in other people. All the promises and words said to the previous person are lost. They have no meaning. They never did.
We feel that this is only happening to us, but the truth is that it is happening to everyone. Not only everyone, but this has already happened 100 years ago to people who came before us. As soon as we understand this, it can act as our greatest liberation against suffering and loneliness. This is not new, this is not unique, and this is bound to happen in our conquest to find happiness.
We will stumble upon many people and relationships before we realize that there is no one who can make us happy. Love is not just a person or a promise that will heal our loneliness. It demands self-exposure and vulnerability. The goal should not be to find “the one.” Fantasy has ruined this for everyone. As soon as things get tough, we want to leave and find someone else with whom issues will not arise. But it is impossible. We will find someone, but we will have different issues with them, and this cycle continues.
We feel we have so many options that we let go of people in the hope that the next person will be better. But we will never find the right person this way. Think of it this way—suppose you’re in a mart. There are hundreds of chocolates in front of you in serial order. You can taste each one of them, but the only catch is that once you move forward, you can’t come back and buy the previous one, or once you buy a chocolate you like, you cannot try the next ones.
You start with the first chocolate, then the second, and so on. Somewhere along the line, you will find a chocolate that you like. But still, there are many chocolates in front of you. You are confused about whether you should get this one or not. But you like this one. This one is making you happy. But nonetheless, you put it down and move forward in hopes that the next one will be better. Now, it is entirely your luck whether you will find the right chocolate that is to your liking. You already had a chocolate that you liked, but you let it go. This is the paradox of love.
So, my friend, love is both miracle and wound. It is not always soft. It is paradoxical. It feels so good when you have it, but as soon as it leaves, you start wondering if things will get better. But in the truest form, it never really would have left. So the question of whether it will get better or not is moot. It will get better only for it to end the same way again.
