Dear Baba,
I remember you in my thoughts, not as often as I should. And it is not because I hold grudges or grievances against you, no I could never do that. You are dearest to me and without you I would not be where I am today.
It would be a dishonour to not remember you in writing, to not express my gratitude for all that you have done for me. You were always there, a constant presence in my life, guiding me with your wisdom and love. Your sacrifices and hard work have paved the way for my life, and I am forever indebted to you.
I envy that you're dead. Sick, right? But it's true. I envy that you don't have to witness what you left behind. Or maybe if you were here you would have not let all this happen. We will never know. I will never know.
My entire life was shaped by you, your actions, your values and your dreams. In a world which was collapsing upon me, you held my hand and pulled me forward. You sacrificed so much so that I could have a better life. I want you to know that I remember all of it. Call it my boon or curse, but I remember everything.
It is difficult for a child to grow up without parents, but it is also difficult for a child to grow up with parents who are alive but emotionally and physically absent. People around me don't seem to realize this but the implications of such an upbringing is dark, for I am living proof of that. Because my parents were not just absent, but they were the epitome of abuse. Not physical abuse, but emotional and psychological abuse whose scars I still wear. You were in no obligation to take anyone in. Yet you did. You were already retired, married off your daughters, one of your son was self-sufficient. You could have chosen peace in your life but you rather chose chaos in hope that maybe you'll make some more lives better. And you did.
You gave me a life, Baba. A life that could not have been possible by my parents. You gave me education, shelter, food and above all, love. You gave me whatever I asked for. I don't remember it but I am told that when I was 1-2 years old, I used to cry a lot because of the hot weather. There was a fixed power cut in the city durning the night and you would take me in your arms and walk around the roof. But when you saw how uncomfortable I was, you got another electricity connection so that if one was out, the other would work. You got me a animal set toy on my 5th or 6th birthday that I still have. You put me in the best school of the city so that I could have a bright future. All of this while dealing with the problems at home. I wish I could ask you how you managed it all.
Everyone in the family was jealous of this. I don't know why. Maybe they thought you were wasting your money on me. But you never cared. You got me a computer in 6th grade when everyone in the family was against it saying it would spoil me. Yet you got it for me because you knew how computers were the future. You got me a phone when I asked for it. You got me a scooty when I started going for coaching classes. You personally taught me many subjects such as English, Math and more. You went to my parent-teacher meetings. I used to be embarrased of it because everyone came with their parents. I'm sorry for that. If you hadn't gone, then who else would have?
Again forgive me for this part but I have to say it. I mentioned earlier that I do not hold grudges against you. And really, I don't after all you did for me. But sometimes, you used to threaten that you would stop paying for my school fees when you were annoyed by your son. You never did it but it was still hurtful to hear that. I was just a kid after all. What was my fault in all of that? But now when I am older, I understand that you were in a difficult situation and it is only human to get frustrated. You never stopped providing.
It was only after 12th grade that I actually got seperated from you because of college. I went to get admission in Bangalore and you were so supportive of it. You arranged for my flight tickets, even though you never sat on a plane. When I came back after my admission and before the college started, you bought me a laptop so that I could study better. I still remember the last time I saw you before leaving for Bangalore. You were having lunch and I came to take your blessings. Only if I had known that it would be the last time I would see you. After going to Bangalore, things changed. I was busy with college and this new life and me being me, I hardly used to call. I regret that now. I should have called more often. It was around September when my first exams were scheduled. I was studying very hard for it because I wanted to do well and let you know that your efforts were not wasted. My exams went very well and I scored 124/125, the highest in the entire college. I was so happy and excited to tell you about it. I called at home and asked to speak to you. I told you about my results and you were so happy. You told me how proud you were of me. That was the last conversation I had with you. I got occupied again and my second exams were scheduled in October end. I was busy preparing for it. I remember the last day of the exams, I was relieved and had just come back to my flat. Nikhil bhaiya called me and asked if I was at home. I said yes and he came to see me. He told me that you had passed away. I have never heard more depressing words in my life. Baba? Passed away? How? I talked to him just last month and he didn't say anything about being ill. The world crashed on me. I immediately called home to confirm. It was true. I said I'm coming home to which I got the reply that you died 2 days ago and the rites were already done. I broke down completely. Everybody knew what you meant to me and I to you, yet nobody told me that you were ill or that you had passed away? Suddenly grief turned into anger. I shouted on the phone but was told that they didn't want to disturb me for my exams. Exams? The audacity to think that some exams was more important? Anyways, I couldn't do anything now. Even if I had come home now I would not have seen you. So I stayed back crying that entire evening.
Last year I got to know that when you were ill and everyone forced you to go to the hospital, you refused saying that it is of no use and hospitals will just take away all the money - because you had witnessed it happen in Dadi's case. Somehow they were able to take you to the hospital but you scolded everyone and came back home. One or two days later you died. Why didn't you get treatment? Why did you think that your money was more important for me than your life?
You were the strongest person I have ever known. The amount of lives you touched and saved is unimaginable. How you got the motivation to do so is beyond me. I wish I could be half as strong as you were. I am writing this letter from your house but not where we used to live together. I have moved to the other flat because of family issues. With you gone, there is no one to fix things. I'm afraid I was never taught how to take charge. And for that same reason I sit here alone in isolation for days. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. There are days I don't even see the sunlight. I need to get out of here.
Thank you for helping me survive. Thank you for educating me. Thank you for giving me a safe future. Thank you for everything.
Thank you for being my Baba.
Yours,
Babu
