Mid-year is here. Last three days went by in a flash. The architect for the sports complex came on Friday from Hyderabad and we had a long meeting about the layout for the complex. He seems pretty chill and we got along well. Now the next step is to start the construction. We could’ve started earlier but monsoon will play spoilsport so we will start after monsoon. On the other hand, we had a tasting session for the cafe yesterday. Had almost 12-15 cups of different types of coffee. My head is still buzzing with all the caffeine. But it all went fine. We are planning to start the cafe on 12th June. I will leave for Bangalore after that. It’s raining there which will be a relief from this heat.
I recently noticed that Saumya Dii had deactivated her Instagram account. I texted her and she said that she was in a slump. She has started her gynae practice in Patna but she is being pressurised to get married. She said that she is feeling so directionless. I had a long talk with her and by the end of it she said that she felt much better. I quickly put together a package for her and sent it. She was really happy to receive it and it made me happy.
I didn’t want to write this but this is my closure.
A few days back, I received an unexpected text from someone. Why unexpected? Because we had a history but we were not really talking. Moreover, I wasn’t expecting what was written in the text either. I am not going to write down what was written in the text because it was pathetic. Whether it was done to finally tell the truth out of guilt or just to hurt me is something only the other person can tell but I am not interested in knowing it. As soon as I read it, my heart started racing. You would think that you know someone so well but the kind of things people say and do to look innocent is unbelievable. At first, I wanted to respond back and that too with a lot of anger. I could call names and remind them of all the things they said or did to gaslight me. But I don’t want revenge because you’re never going to forget me and that’s enough. In your darkest hours, in the blackest nights, in your most private moments, when you can’t pretend anymore, I hope you think of me. How many times can a person really disappoint you? They can do it as long as you keep hoping that they won’t. And there is a sort of freedom in that acceptance. Everybody knows who they are deep down. I know who I am. Justifying it to anyone else is a scam. Calling it karma is an excuse to shift blame.
I didn’t want to give any reaction to that text because honestly it doesn’t deserve it. But I woke up this morning from a nightmare, not aware of myself. For what seemed like an eternity I stayed there staring at the ceiling as if the blank white made me feel hollow. Yesterday your name popped up on the predictive text as I was typing ‘good night’ to someone and I stopped for a second. It was not sadness or pain. Sometimes in life when you realize that you can go a day without talking to that one person who mattered the most, that you are ‘over’ them and suddenly a name flashes on your phone or your paths collide and in that moment your heart skips a beat. Not in the sense of you took my breath away. It’s just the realisation that at one point you were in absolute surrender in front of that person. The heaviness you feel in your chest like scars that won’t fade away. They don’t hurt you when you touch them but they are there. Reminding you that at one time you were vulnerable. I can still feel your fingertips on my arm, making patterns on my skin as you whisper some ridiculous biology joke and I smile. It’s a strange feeling somehow unfamiliar now because lately all I can feel are your nails digging into my skin and cutting me.
Three years ago, I met you and told you that I loved you. Maybe because I thought the universe owed me someone like you after all the bad things I had been through. I never wanted it. But I guess I have to go a long way until that happens. It’s just going to be one punch in the gut right after another for me. But I’m used to it. And I hope one day you’ll have to, too. That someone walks into your life and you feel they are sunshine after a cold night but instead they are rain followed by a storm. One that breaks you. With love, Ashu.
